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It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks

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Been hangin with Superman [14 Sep 2014|10:48am]
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A still time near midnight [02 May 2012|11:15pm]
The air conditioner works just enough so the air is not stale. I breathe and my heart beats. It is unfamiliar, fighting with me, reminding of the passage of time, all that has happened and everything that might be left. There is more time than I can contemplate, but not nearly enough.

There is a fiction in every truth teller; each well-molded front, evenly composed argument is a soothsayer's singsong. It is unheeded advice, forlorn wisdom wrought from old wounds, ideals turned a jaded rust.

The carpet in my house is old. It is hard to tell where the dirt ends and the plastic fibers begin. It chafes my legs as I spread out gangling and obtuse. I muted anyone who would speak to me and I type pithy words about domains of knowledge and cognitive architecture and how I perceive every single thing so differently.

I am present in this journey, but I live outside of it. It seems like a mental illness to see myself living life on a reality show. I step back in when times are good; a nice evening breeze or when my son gives me a hug. I go outside into the atmosphere when it is boring or unsafe.

I am distance, aggravation, illusion, pretense, a facade.
I have been graced too many times to be this callous and hurt yet a smile still shows.
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Letters To No One 1 [01 Feb 2011|04:05pm]
This is a good time to write a couple of things. Few of the people I remember here exist or they do not often check posts. I was so active here eight years ago- Younger and self-righteous. I am better now I think. I want to be better.

I think being busy 90 percent of my waking hours helps. There's no time for self pity. I have a fine, fine son. I am so proud of him. Perhaps I am too demonstrative in my loving him. I do not want to spoil him. He is absolutely the very best of me. I know soon he will be his own person and make his own discoveries and mistakes. But I see in him the goodness and promise I could not in myself until just recently. Redemption is a wonderful thing, but it is something experienced in small doses, gradually integrated with old ills and wrongs perpetrated and suffered.

I sleep about six hours a night. Seven would be better but I need that extra hour for study. I read more big words that I didn't know the night before last than I had in the last year. Perhaps that says something about my actual verbal acuity. It made me think of my wife who is more literate and literary than most people on the planet. But it is very funny. Of the women I have loved, they all read and read in monolithic, all-consuming ways. And of them all, she is the supreme reader; a reader with "a passion put to use." Where most read a book or two at a time, she might read three, four or five. She would correct me and say, "no I don't." But if you numerate them all, she will realize that she does and say, "No- those don't count."

I love her self-guided desire. It isn't even about desire really- It is simply her nature. And it is not because it is books. It could be anything worthwhile and I would like it. I admire her secretly for it while she blithely thumbs pages. I think part of the reason I do this doctoral program is to impress her, which is a horrible reason to initiate such a mental exercise.
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Repeal these vapid constructions immediately: [05 Oct 2010|12:26am]
"Really?," as when used to replace "are you serious?" or "seriously?"
"Just sayin..." as in, "Here is my opinion about something usually not important.. Just sayin."

But currently my reserved hatred is for use of the word "so" to preface an explanation or a process. This is prevalent in corporate speak:

"What is the current state of douchebags in the US?"

"So what we're finding out is that some people who use phrases mindlessly might be a little douchy."

Sorry if this offends- I had to tell my sister who uses 2/3 of these and it was not very delightful. But she stopped using so like that, soooo, I am declaring victory.
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is there something wrong, she said? [22 Apr 2010|04:46pm]
BTW I am using twitter again for those about to give a shit- we salute you.
vinnietwodicks is my "handle."

I wrote this months ago and last week had another A-fib episode. Life spins on a dime, but in the medium range, I should be OK- Have to get a stress test to verify if meds I currently take are counterindicated, which means I could have a MI or die (it would be unlikely).

I believe I will be admitted to my doctoral program. Call me doctor? I would prefer my current title. Call me master. Yes indeed. Actually, the whole mess is pretentious as hell. I am in it for the info and the promotion possibilities.


That's just a song. I am the luckiest break-catcher this side of the Ohio.

A mostly normal heart is what the doctor said. Some part of my atria is a little larger but that could be due to my overall size (I'm 6'6"). SO maybe my A-fib episode was a one time thing. It is unlikely, but possible. That would be awesome because I do crave a drink every now and then. But Afib with a pretty much normal heart is a hell of a lot better than about 1,000,000 other things. Thank god. My anxiety is lifting.

I'm exploring a doctoral program and becoming a foster parent. Do we have time for either of these? Not really- But I should have just kept going while I was (obsessively) into academe. Is there a right time for anything? My major professor in my MPA says not. "You just have to jump in." Some people have 4, 5, 6 kids and go to work and further their educations. I did keep going, It was good though to focus on the baby for a while. I have to continue the focus and just learn to compartmentalize and no video games or other time wasters like blogging. If school ain't in the cards, it ain't. I think my reasons for wanting to do doctoral work are good ones and not silliness- Prestige or to be called doctor (That's a real joke, esp. when you're on first name bases with about 100 faculty).
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Toma de decisiones [12 Jan 2010|06:43pm]
Today has been a very important day.
I am applying to a doctoral program and it looks at least possible I might get in.
We are exploring adopting an older child. Very tentative and in the beginning phases, but so it is.
Colin has learned how to climb- He will climb anything he can get his leg over. He cannot walk.
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Old Post [06 Jan 2010|09:21am]
Being sober at a party full of drinkers has much to teach the willing student. I don't know how I made it out of that pathology; Self-pitying, useless strife, un-channeled anger are some phrases that come to mind. I don't know if I'm completely recovered, if I am yet over myself. I would like to think that I am. I hope for my wife and kid that I am. Sometimes I think the period of pre-industrial agrarian society had it better because perhaps there wasn't enough time to be depressed or angry. Maybe that is a fallacy, but I know I haven't had a lot of time to consider many things; there are no time for ruts.

Being sober reminds me what I like about being drunk but also what I hate about it. Mainly I don't like drunks unless I am drunk. Perhaps that's the way of the world. There are too many loud opinions, too many asses in the air like a ball on a shelf in physics class- the potential energy of sexuality is an illusion. But I like talking and I like hearing what people have to say about their lives and about things that matter.

The vet's husband is himself a vet. I like him and I like his stories. We talked most of the evening and he confided in me that his wife is considering having a baby. This is a woman who swore never to have kids, who said she often preferred animals to people. He looked at me and because I have known her for many years asked me if that was a surprise.

Only a few days ago I discovered that my ex-girlfriend of almost a decade was pregnant with twins. I could write a book about good times and bad times we had together. She also had no use for babies or anything that resembled one. The shock of that news still has me reeling a little bit.

People can change
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for give me [10 Dec 2009|10:53pm]
For i have sinned. it has been a lifetime, only a few seconds since my last transgression, confession.

The only thing I have to report is my ex-girlfriend, the one who would never have kids, cheated and lied, was so generous and troubled, happy and sad:

She is pregnant with twins.

Of what import is this? None at all except existentially- I feel freaked out, but also grateful
like I dodged a bullet
like we were never right for each other and now I have la horma de mi zapato

Remember when a relationship tanks, it is a blessing in disguise.

I don't want to go into all the wildness and weirdness of he life- i hope truly she is happy and that these babies make her happy beyond words

Still it rocked me. I think I believe in god again, or at least the possibility of an unseen hand that directs and rules and guides.
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Turn and face the strain [07 Dec 2009|11:10am]
I was hospitalized last month. It was scary and kind of interesting.

1) The ER gives me a new appreciation for people who just get up in the morning and go to any sort of job. They don't even have to be particularly good at it. There is a whole section of humanity as close as your back yard who can't or won't work for a million different reasons. For the rest of you. For all you do, this Bud's for you.

2) News Flash: I'm not supposed to drink! This sucks. Since my kid came along I've tied one on maybe 3 times, which as anyone who knows me knows this is an insane drop. But even at the height of my debauchery, I was only a weekend warrior, and then not every weekend.

3) News flash #2: I can't have any caffeine. This has been the biggest lifestyle adjustment, as I would regularly drink 4-6 liters of Diet Mt. Dew a day.

4) My hospital bed was a tempur-pedic mattress! Because I could lie on my side, I was out like a light. See the next bullet point.

5) If you're nice to the nurses, they will do almost anything for you; this includes bringing you Xanax and Ambien! Of course I needed Xanax, but honestly I wanted to try Ambien. I wanted to stay up on it and see if I would see purple Dobermans running around my hospital room. This was probably not the smartest decision, but it didn't matter because it knocked me out cold. I needed the sleep anyway, so this was probably a good decision.

6) Riding in an ambulance if you're not on death's door is kind of fun. I had a female paramedic who was really cool and telling me about her life, which is somewhat like my life, just a little bit more redneck, but I was well at ease because I am related to some of those people. She was about 5'2" and could probably beat my ass with a tire iron or her bare fists. They were a fun group. Being at my local hospital sucked because I had to wait about 5 hours for a ride into the major city hospital. The reason being: Many crazy accidents. 1 Stabbing, 1 other weird domestic violence issue, multiple car wrecks and 1 motorcycle accident where the driver wore no helmet.

7) Being sick has given me an appreciation for being well. Perhaps it has also made me a little more compassionate towards people in similar situations. I'm mean and angry as a defense. Everyone is going to get sick and has problems. We should all appreciate the good times while they are here.
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Baby Update [31 Aug 2009|11:51am]
I'm batshit crazy about my kid. He smiles at and reaches for me all the time. I take care of him quite a bit- at least twice a week all by myself while Sara works and then of course other times sort of trading with her.
The thing I want to say is that parts of it aren't nearly as bad as I thought they were going to be. Like the crying- I thought I would go insane, but its really not that tough. Sometimes it is tough and I want to hit the mute button. But I haven't thought- I'm going to have a meltdown or do a vein full of heroin. Also i doesn't cost that much to have a kid if you breastfeed. Obviously I do not breastfeed, and there is a time cost therein. But we bought cloth diapers and have a ton of handme down clothes and toys. And it just isn't that expensive. I know there will be expenses and the kid will want to do things and go places and be like the cool kids. But I guess right now I'm just oblivious.

One of my great joys now is coming home and grabbing him up and just wallowing him on the floor. I hug him and get his belly until he is completely frustrated with me; then we play throw away the puppy dog.

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Baby of the first party [14 May 2009|08:24am]
I have to find a home for my Great Dane, Greta. She's a wonderful dog, but she just lacks the body awareness and temperment to be around my kid. We've had her in training and working with a behavioralist. I suppose if I were to put in several hours of training a day for months, we could probably get her to the point where she minds reasonably well; I just don't have the time to do that. She steps all over our feet and runs into things haphazardly, sometimes at quite a clip. If this were a 60 pound dog it wouldn't be nearly as much of an issue, but Greta is pushing 120- A whole Backstreet Boy. There are some other issues, but in my mind these are relatively minor. I took her to this girl I know who is interested. Greta and her dog got along remarkably well. Greta also doesn't play well with other dogs- Either they do well or they fight. As bad as I hate to give her up, I just can't take a chance on her stepping on Colin.

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One cool thing about parenthood is [27 Apr 2009|08:36am]
the connection between parent and child. Now, I have no delusions about this being necesarily a lasting positive thing or that there won't be future moments of stress or maybe even estrangement; life holds no guarantees. I *hope* that the parenting model I have chose will bring about a great relationship, but I'm not going to count on it.

All that aside, I'm just living in the moment. Yestrday my boy was really having a good time and just happy to be with me. Sara says he smiles at me the most and the brightest. I think this is true and its because I'm the most dynamic (idiotic) with him; I make big faces and do stupid little skits in front of him.

Here is my reward:

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My Boy [06 Apr 2009|05:58pm]
Colin has discovered his hands, and these hands are made for eatin. In fact, I would say he prefers them to any old pacifier. I have quite a few parental duties. mostly this is fun. Sara works one weekday which is compatible with my work schedule & my boss has been Really great about letting rip flex_ &. make up the time. he likes to be walked around the house- we call this turtling because he moves his head from side to side. I'm doing this update via tablet PC btw...
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Colin Laughed Today First Time [08 Mar 2009|09:12pm]
He's been smiling for about two weeks when I chant that horrible McDonald's Filet-o-Fish commercial.
Now he just started laughing.
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Left to Papa's devices [25 Jan 2009|09:59pm]
Full head of baby hair means it is fauxhawk season, much to mom's protest:

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[05 Jan 2009|03:18am]
My son's name is Colin. He had a tough start but is doing well now.
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Writer's Block: What You'd Accomplish if Success Was Guaranteed [31 Aug 2008|02:35pm]
Knowing beforehand that you wouldn't fail, what would you attempt to do?

Save the world from all its major ills and get rich doing it.
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Elaboration [31 Jul 2008|03:12pm]
I think I am really moving into this self-actualized mode of thought. Being done with something- not just completing it- but being able to put it out of your consciousness and allowing it to assimilate with the rest of your experiences after this protracted feeling of task and repetition and processing. It really is a high I think. It is so much so that I think I'm developing Stockholm syndrome. I feel like now I should be taking classes and writing papers- That part is weird. But I'm no academic. I don't think I have the patience to cross every t and do exhaustive research, and really, that's the only reason someone should pursue a doctoral degree. Still I wonder if I'm cut out. I did very well in this program- The best anyone could do. And though it isn't a competitive program per se, it was really nice to be recognized. It makes me wonder what else is there.

There are my blessings- for family that is and family that has yet to be; friends who are really legendary in their support of me and the history we share; a position I love at an institution that sort of seems to love me; and reasonably enough money to sustain us.

So for now I have but one more obligation- to take some serious time and thank every person that helped me succeed in getting where I am- even if it was to teach me how not to be or which situations not to be in. Some of them maybe still read this blog or perhaps think about me. I haven't forgotten them.
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Master [29 Jul 2008|03:21pm]
I have mastered public administration.
Polyp on my liver, here I come.
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Annoying Request [27 Jun 2008|01:21pm]
My little niece is in a baby contest. If she wins, my sister gets some free photos. Would you care to click on baby number 3 please? If not, no big deal and I sincerely apologize if this offends. I realize I'm turning out to be a sucker for little nieces and nephews...
Baby number 3 if you please. Thank you.

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